Bridesmaid Nightmare?!? ... Hell no ... Not at this awesome wedding!

So .... I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding on Friday night.  Yeah, yeah .... oldest living bridesmaid, right??  I thought my days of participating in weddings were long gone.  Lately I have been invited to a few wedding vow renewals as well as weddings of a few children of close friends ... but all but one or two of my friends have been married divorced and married again for many years!  So when I got the invitation to be a bridesmaid ... at first I was a bit stunned and then incredibly proud to be asked to stand beside two spectacularly awesome people on one of the most important days in their lives.

The bride is a very cool (and I mean that in every sense of the word) local musician named Brigid Kaelin (geez .... I hope she doesn't mind me name dropping her) and her husband to be is David Caldwell.  She is Louisville personified through and through .... and by that ... I mean she eats, lives and breathes all the best of this little 'burg that we call home. She is one of those great gal friends that you could have a crazy adventure with or have a funky fab day lazing about doing nothing.    David is from Lubbock, Texas and truly lives up to the ideal of a strikingly handsome, genteel, stand-up southern guy.  Cupid must have really known what he was doing when he pulled back that bow and arrow on Brigid and David ...  because I tell you in all honesty ... I could not imagine either of these two wonderful people surviving a day without each other in their respective lives.  He is the calmness and patience that she needs in her life.  She is the spunk and artistic vibe that revs his engine.

yeah ... all of these would have been
a BIG 'no go' for me ... but David
probably would have loved the Texas
themed dress in the left lower corner!

After the excitement of the wedding announcement subsided.  It was time to get down to brass tacks and start planning the wedding.  Brigid was way beyond kind in her very wide parameters in regard to the bridesmaid dresses.  She essentially picked out a theme color and said to go find something in this 'color range'.  Do you know how CRAZY unique and unusual that is in the much more common world of wedding bridezillas???? WOW ...  That's it?!? ... No crazy couture crap?? ... no micro-managing the fittings or the silhouettes??  Just .... 'here's a color' .... have at it!  This was a complete and utter relief to me because at my age .... cutesy little bridesmaids dresses would have looked like I was participating in a bad Saturday Night Live skit.   I mean, if Brigid picked out a terribly unflattering dress ... as her friend .... of course, I would be supportive ... suck it up and wear it (cussing under my breath her every step down the aisle).

But .... the freedom of picking out our own dresses was something of a very generous gift and a tremendous treat!  So ... off I went to find a flattering dress that could hold up to the humidity and hot late July Kentucky weather.   As a lot of my friends know ... I am not a great in-store shopper.  I have very little patience for sales people and far shorter tempered with parking and walking through dozens of stores.  So ... I do what any 21st century bridesmaid does .... I head to the internet! I shopped relentlessly online for a few weeks and finally found a few dresses on-line that fit the bill.  I ordered both and decided on the one that I thought fit me and the event the best.   Brigid and David haven't seen my dress yet and hopefully she will be happy with my choice.

So ... as I head into the end of this week and eagerly anticipate the wedding events to come .... I will take in every moment for Brigid and David because as this seasoned ol' married gal knows .... it is an absolute whirl wind and incredibly difficult to stay present in the moment and appreciate the magnitude of the day.  I have a feeling, though ... knowing Brigid and David .... that in all the hectic craziness of the day .... no matter what they forget or miss .... they will never forget that precious moment that they say 'I Do'.

I love you both!

t

A Better 'Me'

As I sit here patiently awaiting the cab that will whisk me away to the Grand Bahama Airport on my way back home to the Bluegrass State .... I am both very sad and very anxious.  Sad to be leaving such a beautiful, peaceful, calm summer existence .... Anxious to re-acclimate to my life back in Louisville, Ky.

I have had a wonderful summer here in my adopted country.  I have been to Banana Bay to stick my toes in the turquoise blue water more than I can count ..... I have boated in the canals while gazing at all of the beautiful homes on the shore ..... I have exercised, eaten well, hung with friends and generally lived a blessed 5 1/2 weeks.  Now it is time to get back to the reality that is my life in Louisville.

Even though Louisville, to me, represents a modicum of stress and a lot of craziness .... I am looking forward to hugging my children and planting a big sloppy kiss on my husband's mouth!  I can't wait to see my friends this weekend and listen to a great Louisville band.

I am so thankful to my family for allowing me to have some 'me' time this summer.  I'm not sure that I have had any great personal epiphanies or philosophised much .... but I have reflected on all the people and places that I love and have loved in my life and I come away from my summer hiatus a more centered and incredibly appreciative person.

I have the best, most selfless and understanding family in the entire world and I think they take the following saying very seriously ... "If Momma ain't happy .... ain't nobody happy" !!  And the simple fact that they have allowed me the time to re-energize and to find my smile again is something that I will always cherish.

Happily Homeward Bound ..... :)

Hello ... My Name is Tyra ... and I am a Fag Hag.

It is no secret that I love me some gays.

I'm not exactly sure why .... maybe it's because I was exposed to gay people at a young age.  One of my Uncles is gay ...( I'm pretty sure my other Uncle is gay ... but he's staying hush-hush about it.)  One of my childhood best friend's brother AND sister are gay.

 I grew up with the crazy notion that gay people were NOT a bunch of weirdos to be shunned or a race of aliens that need to be quarantined on an island.  Perhaps it was also that I felt weird and different as a child because of my non-conventional upbringing and dysfunctional family life.  It gave me a comforting kinship with other damaged, weird-feeling people of my world.  All I know is .... I am a gay magnet. I put out a 'you're safe with me and I won't judge you' pheromone that is only perceptible to the gay community at large.

Maybe that's why, at 19, I experienced one of the most awesome and life changing boyfriend relationships of my life with a guy named Wayne.


Wayne was a horse trainer at both his mom's and a neighboring farm's saddlebred horse facility.  I rode horses as a kid and when I saw him lunge-lining a beautiful saddlebred .... it was love at first sight!  He was strong and handsome and had a funny, self-deprecating way of expressing himself. We started instantly dating and before I knew it ... we were hopelessly entangled in each other's lives.  All I remember about those days is how much fun we were having.  Shopping, dancing, riding horses .... it was all so perfect ... well .... except the fact that he was gay .... which honestly didn't bother me at the time because life was wonderful ... and ....yes ... we 'did it'.

Then suddenly and without warning ... IT happened .... Madonna's first album came out and Wayne went APESHIT gay.  I remember vividly being in the barn on that day when he ran breathlessly and wild-eyed into the center aisle of the barn carrying  a big jambox and a cassette tape .... He put the cassette tape into the jambox and began enthusiastically choreographing dances in all his 'Bob Fosse' glory to the songs 'Lucky Star' and 'Borderline'.  I sat completely still and transfixed ..... staring at him and slowly coming to the realization that our relationship would never be the same .... it was too late.  I had lost him to the lure of that great gay icon, Madonna.  I entirely blame that restalyne injected interloper for the downfall of our blissful relationship. I realized that I had to release him as a boyfriend and then reconnect with him somehow as a best friend.  To this day ... Wayne and I are BFF's and of course ... he does my hair.  Isn't that just typical! Of course ..... I still hold a slight grudge against Madonna .... even though I now know from hindsight that our relationship was doomed from the start.  Although ... It is a well known agreed upon fact that  if something ever happens to my hubby .... that I will never marry again and Wayne and I will live out our years together as platonic 'gay husband' and wife ....

Losin' It In Paradise .....

So .... as most of you know by now .... I am on Grand Bahama Island.

This is my sanctuary .... the only place where I can finally remove a very ill-fitting and itchy mask that I typically feel the need to wear in Louisville.  Grand Bahama is also one of the few places where I'm not the craziest person in the room .... which .... in turn .... gives me the very unusual feeling of being normal!  So ... when I got the diagnosis that I have hypothyroidism and only trace levels of the necessary vitamins and minerals in my body needed to stay alive .... I decided to run away from home .... or should I say .... runaway to another home .... in order to work on getting healthy.

My endocrinologist, who I still think looks like a pedophile, told me he was willing to give me the summer to 'reboot' my thyroid before he put me on some nasty looking synthetic hormones to raise the thyroxine levels in my thyroid.  I honestly don't want to rehash all the insanity that comes from having a struggling thyroid because it is entirely depressing. Suffice it to say that it makes you feel like you are constantly carrying a load of bricks on your back and that you have attempted to run a marathon when in fact you are doing everything in your power just to get up to change the channel on the TV. (that was probably a bad example ... who the hell gets up to turn the channel anymore???)

Of course, I attributed all these symptoms to a slightly stressful lifestyle .... culinary school, three kids and an entrepreneur husband.  Turns out ... I'm not dying or anything ... but I have what I lovingly like to call "Fat Old Lady Disease".  So ... I consulted some super smarty-pants experts  ... trainers, chefs, nutritionists, etc.... and am in a self imposed 'boot camp'.

This 'booth camp' is 6 weeks in duration.  I am currently starting week 4 as of today.  I have lost about 8 pounds in the last three weeks.  I wake up early every day and go to the gym for about 2 hours.  At about 11:30am and 6pm precisely .... my lunch & dinner are delivered by a world class chef (Tim Tibbitts and his beautiful & clever wife Rebecca to be exact) which typically consists of thyroxine boosting foods that contain high levels of zinc, selenium, iodine, etc... These foods are mostly seafood ... which I absolutely LOVE.  Let me just say ... that without these beautiful dishes of food that are both incredibly delicious and visually stunning .... I would be struggling to figure out a positive food path for myself.

Okay .... I know .... I know .... I am incredibly spoiled rotten.  I really get that ... but who said there's something wrong with being spoiled if it is well earned???  It's one thing to be spoiled and quite another to be a spoiled brat ..... I am positively NOT the latter.

There is one thing that I truly know for certain about myself .... I undoubtedly have ZERO will power when it comes to food.  It is absolutely my 'crack'!!  Long gone are the days that I can eat a whole tube of Pillsbury cookie dough and only gain a zit.  Now ... I gain a zit AND 10 pounds!  So .... I have put together a team of people that are going to help me do the things that I simply can't do myself ... cause ... you know .... I'm a lazy ass when it comes to 'me' .... pure and simple!

Hopefully, I'll get healthy enough that I don't have to take any synthetic drugs ... lose some much needed weight so that my body isn't overworking itself and shutting down much needed organs and have a good time doing it in a place where I know there is no stress and a lot of good environmental triggers. (Cause those bad environmental triggers back in Louisville are what got me here in the first place, damnit!)

Wish me luck and hopefully I'll be 'losin' it in paradise'!

So .... I'm in The Bahamas for the summer

So .... I'm in The Bahamas for the summer .... in my own house .... in The Bahamas for the summer.  (Figured I should just have full disclosure about this.)  Been here for 3 weeks .... doing stuff.

I was here initially for two weeks with a summer babysitter who is helping me with Tres Spawn.  First .... I just can't really bring myself to call her a nanny .... especially because she's not from a third world country and Second .... Tres Spawn are my three much loved but highly aggravating kiddos.  Essentially .... the summer babysitter is here to make sure that I don't go all bat shit crazy and beat Tres Spawn in a Mommy Dearest .... 'no wire hangers' kinda' way.

 All my friends probably think I'm insane .... but my babysitter is an absolutely adorable little tiny blonde spinner girl.  You know .... those perky little blondes who have so much energy that they actually look like they are about to spin off the earth if it weren't for major amounts of gravity! But all is well .... calm down! ..... I have an explanation!!    I've never really been super intimidated by cute girls only because I figure if my husband is going to cheat on me with a tiny blonde spinner girl .... then .... don't let the door hit ya' where the good Lord split ya', mutha' fucka'!!  Cause .... it is no big secret between hubby and I that .... after all ... I'll take ALL YOUR SHIT and leave you penniless and in a fetal position if that happens .... and he absolutely knows this about me ..... that  I am a vindictive, heartless and incredibly cruel person when it comes to infidelity.  So .... no worries.

After the two weeks alone with blonde babysitter and Tres Spawn ..... hot Geek-Boy Hubby showed up for a week to hang out and frankly flew 2500 miles to get laid .... which I obliged ..... (gah ... I'm not that much of an asshole! lol)

So .... here's the good part ... wait for it .....

I just dropped off Tres Spawn, Hot Geek-Boy Hubby AND blonde babysitter at the airport and they are all going home together as one big happy family leaving me alone in The Bahamas for two weeks.  Ummmm .... did you here what I said?  ALONE !!!

What's that you say???  'You crazy bitch ....'    No! .... I'm not crazy ... but I will cop to the bitch part.  They actually left me alone on this island to 'focus and get centered'.  ummmmmm ..... yeah ..... That just happened.

More later on WHY.