A Big EFF U to the New Year's Resolution gods? hmmmmm ....

As another New Year’s Eve is on our doorstep ... it’s time to formulate  "new"  New Year's resolutions (made with the utmost conviction, of course) ....  but only to be dropped like steaming hot potatoes some time before February as a “mission impossible.”

Look ... I really hate to be the Negative Nelly here ... God knows I love a good comeback story ... and I would much rather see a triumph than a tragedy.

We, as human beings, feel profoundly drawn to the notion of bettering ourselves as the dawn of a fresh year approaches.  It's a time to reevaluate our downfalls and the worst qualities in our lives and vow to reboot ourselves.  

We struggle throughout the year to lose or gain weight (ok ... who is the asshole that needs to GAIN weight?!?!) ... spend more quality time with our significant other, spouse and/or children ... get to the gym on a more regular basis ... and especially the ever so important quit smoking or drinking in order to become healthier. All these very admirable goals look soooooooo good on paper (ooops ... screen) ... unfortunately .. for most ... they blatantly appear completely unattainable in practice.

So ... why, I ask you ... if we haven't been able to achieve these things for 365 consecutive days ... do we believe that the magic of January first is going to somehow lift us out of our laziness and denial and give us the serious kick in the ass to accomplish our goals?!?!

I'll tell you why ...... motivation.  Simple, unadulterated, downright MOTIVATION!

We all know that someone with the right motivation is capable of extraordinary accomplishments.  For instance ... take a look at some of these money-related reality shows like Survivor.  These people are put under incredibly horrific circumstances with little to no water and food ... made to endure weeks and weeks of eating weird things like entrails and bugs, sleeping in terribly uncomfortable conditions, made to participate in humiliating competitions, kept away from all their loved ones and modern life as they know it .... and they happily endure ALL this because they are motivated by winning a million dollars!  

What if a doctor told you that if you ate one more cookie or smoked one more cigarette .... that you would drop dead instantaneously .... or if you didn't get on the treadmill at least once a day for 30 minutes that a tiny bomb inserted in your brain would turn your head into a pile of jello .... or if you didn't read your children a book and kiss your significant other every single day and say I love you with as much conviction as your work that they would vanish off the face of the earth never to be seen again?

Yes ... these are all extreme, hyperbolic events ... but as I said above ... with the right motivation we are ALL capable of achieving our goals.

So ... I ask you again .... if there was a million dollars or whatever motivates you ... waiting for you at the end of 2012 if you accomplished your New Year's resolution .... would you endure? 

Dream a little dream with me ... OR ..... Facebook killed my memories.

Facebook is a fascinating entity.  I really think that one day, eventually .... everybody will be somehow interconnected with everyone else in the world ... a la a Kevin Bacon Six Degrees of Separation kind of thing.  This is eerily fascinating because I never really wanted THAT many people in my life to know the intimate details of my daily existence.  Where is the mystery in saying ... 'whatever happened to Joe Blow ... I haven't seen or heard from him in 20 years' and the awesome thing about that is ... you NEVER know ... it is all a wonderful dream.  You can wonder all you want about Joe Blow and make up any colorful story that you want about him ....   But then ... lo and behold THERE'S JOE BLOW on facebook in living color and you find out that he has 6 kids, is divorced and loves fishing, hunting and his favorite movie is Animal House and he has turned into a terribly fat, balding racist.   Thanks to Facebook ... the end to any of life's mysteries are imminently over ladies and gentlemen ... and whether you see that as a good thing or a bad thing says an enormous amount about your romantic view of the world.

There are certain people that you meet along the way in your life and EXPECT never to see again.  You know ... chatting with somebody in line at the grocery store just to be polite ... but then ... you leave and they quickly vanish from your mind as if they never existed.  But with this whole facebook magic .... you can now be friends with every single solitary person that you ever had a scintilla of a brief encounter with and then some!

Recently, I got a friend request from a girl that I went to elementary school with.  I honestly didn't recognize her name at first glance and left her in the courteous 'limbo' pile.  You know .... not 'friending' the requestor but not out and out denying them either.  It is genuinely passive aggressive ... I know ... but it's a nice way to do business and not feel like a total schmuck.

She persisted and private messaged me and it finally dawned on me that I had spent 3 or 4 years with her in a class at Gutermuth Elementary School.  I immediately got this very clear vision of a little girl with a short, brown Dorothy Hamill-esque haircut with freckles planted playfully on her round, full cheeks.

This is Dorothy Hamill
 ... for those of you who missed the 70's                                             

 When I looked through her facebook pictures .... I shockingly saw her mother .... no ... not her mother!  HER!  Where did that little freckled face girl go???  I have to tell you, dear readers, this has thrown me into a horror.  If this little girl doesn't exist anymore ..... where did I go?  Did she look at my picture and see a middle aged lady?  Did she wonder what happened to me only to be shocked that I had the audacity to grow up and grow older.   It's one thing to remember someone a very specific way in your mind's eye but another thing entirely to see the reality of history smacking you right in your 'face'book.  I didn't want to know her as this 2011 person .... I wanted to remember her the way that she was back in 1975 .... stupid facebook ... why couldn't you just leave well enough alone and allow me to have my intact, untarnished memories of yesteryear.

I'm not sure that I like where all of this is going .... (sigh)